I know for those of you with boys will truly understand this picture. He loves to perform, and being naked was quite the entertainment. There is nothing like hearing "Baby Jesus" from a naked performer!!!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
The "Episodes" have returned....
So it was brought to my attention today that I need to update my blog. The past week has had me in such a whirlwind--I have forgotten about my sweet blog friends. I am so sorry--I still love you all--but forgive me for being too tired to type!!
It would only be fair to enlighten you all on why I have been quiet this week. So grab your favorite blanket, get a hot cup of coco, and settle in for this bizarre week!!
I have to back track about a year to catch you up on the fine details. Last year on February 21, 2007 an event happened in my life that I had never imagined I would ever have to witness. Steve had come home from work. It was a Wednesday night, because we were going to watch American Idol. We got the kids to bed and settled in to watch Idol. Half way through the show, Steve got a headache--but this was not like any headache. He couldn't see, he was in extreme pain. I coaxed him into just going to bed. In the bedroom, he was standing at the dresser holding his head, and all of the sudden he just fell over and began having a seizure. I had no idea what to do. I was not even sure that he was having a seizure. I called 911. I know that the operator thought I was a bit of a loon. I was freaking out. She was having me do all these things, and the whole time she is telling me this--I am yelling at her telling her I need an ambulance NOW. What seemed an eternity, was only 2 minutes. His seizure that seemed like 10 minutes, only lasted 45 seconds. I wouldn't let the 911 dispatcher hang up with me until the ambulance got there. Somehow there was a comfort knowing that there was someone on the other end, and I was not alone. When the paramedics got there (7 of them!!! and my house is not big, and when these big guys came barreling in, it was much smaller. I began apologizing for the tight quarters.), so anyway when the paramedics got there Steve was just laying there very disoriented. He was rather uncooperative with the big men--but he truly had no idea what was going on and his head was still killing him. They took him to the hospital, but at this point they only had my word that he had a seizure. That night in the ER was not the funnest of times. The nurses and doctors I think thought we were crazy calling the ambulance for a headache. They gave him some pain meds and we were back home within 5 hours. Thankfully my dear friend Kelly was sweet enough to climb back in bed at our house so I could be with Steve at the hospital. The headache came back on Friday morning. We went to the doctor and he wanted Steve to see a Neuro. We were scheduled for later that afternoon. We got home, and my friend Allyson was over. Steve had gone into the bedroom and I heard a thump. I went in there to find him on the floor having a seizure. I called Ally in there to call 911. The seizure stopped and again, he was very disoriented. His head was killing him. At this point--I am a nervous wreck. The paramedics get there and they were super nice. As they get him on the truck, I am climbing into my own car to follow them. All of the sudden I see the ambulance truck shaking. The paramedic gets out to let me know they just witnessed him having a seizure. We had to get to the hospital fast. Ally stayed with the kids while we were off to the hospital. I remember calling my mom in hysterics. I don't really remember driving to the hospital that day, except that I was a mess. Once I got to the hospital, they would not let me back in his room for a long time. This was making me very nervous. Finally I was called back there. Come to find out he had 4 seizures on the ride to the hospital and 2 after they arrived to the hospital. This is not good on the brain. That many seizures in a day can cause a lot of damage, and I knew this. He was in the hospital for 5 days. Tons of test were run, and nothing was showing up. They had no idea why he was having the seizures. MRI's, CT's, EEG's, everything was clear. This was a relief--but what was going on? The next few months were troubling. He would have a seizure a couple of times a month. You never knew when they would happen, except they always happened in the night in his sleep. He was on countless different seizure medication which detierated his quality of life. He was either so dizzy he couldn't move, or he couldn't even keep his eyes open he was so lethargic. He told the doctors he was not going to the take the medicine anymore--he would rather be normal with seizures, than be so miserable on the meds and still having the "episodes", the seizures finally stopped, and he had not had one since September of 2007.
Last Tuesday I made Steve go to the doctor. He was beginning to have those same headaches, and I thought maybe this was a migraine for it to be the same time of year. He goes to the doctor (by himself) and calls me later to tell me that he needs to go the hospital, he had a seizure at the office. So I run up there to take him. Once at the hospital he had 2 more. You know--I have seen him have a lot of seizures in the past year, and it never gets any easier. Each one always feels like that first one. It is scary. The doctors have told me that they will stop, yet there is always that fear in the back of my head of "what if this one doesn't stop". They let him go home later that evening with the care of a new Neuro. Our original neuro refused to come see him in the hospital. This new Neuro has plans of different test to do for Steve. He also has put him on a new medication for people who have seizures from old injuries-(and with the amount of head concussions Steve has had in his lifetime, it could be a possibility that his brain is reacting to scar wounds). So here we are, in the same place we were a year ago. Still no answers--and unknown events of the day.
Sunday morning I woke up to him on the floor having a seizure. He had 3 that morning. For some reason these really had me spooked. They were each big, and of course they always seem to last forever, but I have learned to watch the clock when they happen. This is the only way I know how to keep my self in reality that time has not stopped. If he would have had 1 more that morning, I would have had to call 911. It is not good for your brain to continue to have seizures. For one, you don't breathe during a seizure. I am sure it not good on the heart either. Usually afterwards he is very disoriented. I have had bruises before trying to keep him down, or keeping his head from banging on the headboard, the leg of a chair, the cedar chest--whatever is in the way to try and prevent any more injury. It takes every ounce of energy to keep him from trying to get up after a seizure. He can't walk, so I do this to protect him--again, from more injury. It took 3 nurses at the hospital to keep him down. It is amazing what you can do when you have too! Once he has calmed down, he can't talk. He can't make out a word. I know this is very frustrating for him at the time, but the good news--he never remembers any of this. I know we are in the clear of the episode when he finally falls into a deep sleep. He is OK. When he woke up yesterday, he said he felt as if he had been beaten. He can always tell when he has had an episode by the way his body and tongue feel. I would give anything in the world for him to not have to go through this. As hard as it is on me to watch him go through this pain--it is even harder on him to live it. Over and over. It takes a few days for his brain to "come back to life" so to speak. I just don't get what is wrong. I am just thankful that the test have not shown anything. There are no tumors, and no aneurysms. So that is much to be thankful for. I have had to teach my girls (especially Aubrey) what to do in the instance he had a seizure and I was not home. I pray they never have to act on those instructions.
So as you can see--it has been a long week. Mentally just draining. I am a worry wart--and this just enhances that. I want him to live a long and healthy life. So if you are still reading this--please stop and say a little prayer for Steve tonight. I have no idea what I'd do without him!!
It would only be fair to enlighten you all on why I have been quiet this week. So grab your favorite blanket, get a hot cup of coco, and settle in for this bizarre week!!
I have to back track about a year to catch you up on the fine details. Last year on February 21, 2007 an event happened in my life that I had never imagined I would ever have to witness. Steve had come home from work. It was a Wednesday night, because we were going to watch American Idol. We got the kids to bed and settled in to watch Idol. Half way through the show, Steve got a headache--but this was not like any headache. He couldn't see, he was in extreme pain. I coaxed him into just going to bed. In the bedroom, he was standing at the dresser holding his head, and all of the sudden he just fell over and began having a seizure. I had no idea what to do. I was not even sure that he was having a seizure. I called 911. I know that the operator thought I was a bit of a loon. I was freaking out. She was having me do all these things, and the whole time she is telling me this--I am yelling at her telling her I need an ambulance NOW. What seemed an eternity, was only 2 minutes. His seizure that seemed like 10 minutes, only lasted 45 seconds. I wouldn't let the 911 dispatcher hang up with me until the ambulance got there. Somehow there was a comfort knowing that there was someone on the other end, and I was not alone. When the paramedics got there (7 of them!!! and my house is not big, and when these big guys came barreling in, it was much smaller. I began apologizing for the tight quarters.), so anyway when the paramedics got there Steve was just laying there very disoriented. He was rather uncooperative with the big men--but he truly had no idea what was going on and his head was still killing him. They took him to the hospital, but at this point they only had my word that he had a seizure. That night in the ER was not the funnest of times. The nurses and doctors I think thought we were crazy calling the ambulance for a headache. They gave him some pain meds and we were back home within 5 hours. Thankfully my dear friend Kelly was sweet enough to climb back in bed at our house so I could be with Steve at the hospital. The headache came back on Friday morning. We went to the doctor and he wanted Steve to see a Neuro. We were scheduled for later that afternoon. We got home, and my friend Allyson was over. Steve had gone into the bedroom and I heard a thump. I went in there to find him on the floor having a seizure. I called Ally in there to call 911. The seizure stopped and again, he was very disoriented. His head was killing him. At this point--I am a nervous wreck. The paramedics get there and they were super nice. As they get him on the truck, I am climbing into my own car to follow them. All of the sudden I see the ambulance truck shaking. The paramedic gets out to let me know they just witnessed him having a seizure. We had to get to the hospital fast. Ally stayed with the kids while we were off to the hospital. I remember calling my mom in hysterics. I don't really remember driving to the hospital that day, except that I was a mess. Once I got to the hospital, they would not let me back in his room for a long time. This was making me very nervous. Finally I was called back there. Come to find out he had 4 seizures on the ride to the hospital and 2 after they arrived to the hospital. This is not good on the brain. That many seizures in a day can cause a lot of damage, and I knew this. He was in the hospital for 5 days. Tons of test were run, and nothing was showing up. They had no idea why he was having the seizures. MRI's, CT's, EEG's, everything was clear. This was a relief--but what was going on? The next few months were troubling. He would have a seizure a couple of times a month. You never knew when they would happen, except they always happened in the night in his sleep. He was on countless different seizure medication which detierated his quality of life. He was either so dizzy he couldn't move, or he couldn't even keep his eyes open he was so lethargic. He told the doctors he was not going to the take the medicine anymore--he would rather be normal with seizures, than be so miserable on the meds and still having the "episodes", the seizures finally stopped, and he had not had one since September of 2007.
Last Tuesday I made Steve go to the doctor. He was beginning to have those same headaches, and I thought maybe this was a migraine for it to be the same time of year. He goes to the doctor (by himself) and calls me later to tell me that he needs to go the hospital, he had a seizure at the office. So I run up there to take him. Once at the hospital he had 2 more. You know--I have seen him have a lot of seizures in the past year, and it never gets any easier. Each one always feels like that first one. It is scary. The doctors have told me that they will stop, yet there is always that fear in the back of my head of "what if this one doesn't stop". They let him go home later that evening with the care of a new Neuro. Our original neuro refused to come see him in the hospital. This new Neuro has plans of different test to do for Steve. He also has put him on a new medication for people who have seizures from old injuries-(and with the amount of head concussions Steve has had in his lifetime, it could be a possibility that his brain is reacting to scar wounds). So here we are, in the same place we were a year ago. Still no answers--and unknown events of the day.
Sunday morning I woke up to him on the floor having a seizure. He had 3 that morning. For some reason these really had me spooked. They were each big, and of course they always seem to last forever, but I have learned to watch the clock when they happen. This is the only way I know how to keep my self in reality that time has not stopped. If he would have had 1 more that morning, I would have had to call 911. It is not good for your brain to continue to have seizures. For one, you don't breathe during a seizure. I am sure it not good on the heart either. Usually afterwards he is very disoriented. I have had bruises before trying to keep him down, or keeping his head from banging on the headboard, the leg of a chair, the cedar chest--whatever is in the way to try and prevent any more injury. It takes every ounce of energy to keep him from trying to get up after a seizure. He can't walk, so I do this to protect him--again, from more injury. It took 3 nurses at the hospital to keep him down. It is amazing what you can do when you have too! Once he has calmed down, he can't talk. He can't make out a word. I know this is very frustrating for him at the time, but the good news--he never remembers any of this. I know we are in the clear of the episode when he finally falls into a deep sleep. He is OK. When he woke up yesterday, he said he felt as if he had been beaten. He can always tell when he has had an episode by the way his body and tongue feel. I would give anything in the world for him to not have to go through this. As hard as it is on me to watch him go through this pain--it is even harder on him to live it. Over and over. It takes a few days for his brain to "come back to life" so to speak. I just don't get what is wrong. I am just thankful that the test have not shown anything. There are no tumors, and no aneurysms. So that is much to be thankful for. I have had to teach my girls (especially Aubrey) what to do in the instance he had a seizure and I was not home. I pray they never have to act on those instructions.
So as you can see--it has been a long week. Mentally just draining. I am a worry wart--and this just enhances that. I want him to live a long and healthy life. So if you are still reading this--please stop and say a little prayer for Steve tonight. I have no idea what I'd do without him!!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday Night Fun
So if any of you were not aware, Chic-fil-a is the place to be on Friday nights between 6p-8p.
I was trying to think of something fun to take the kids to do last night that would not be too stressful on me since I was alone! They wanted to go to Chic-fil-a so that they could play. I thought that was a brilliant idea since that is my favorite fast food place.
We get there and it is crowded to the max. There is a balloon artist walking by (which my first thought was "oh great and I don't have any cash on me, and the kids are going to want a balloon and I am going to have to look like the bad guy and say NO"). As we get closer to the counter to place our order, there is a table with a sign "Free Sundae's". I begin to realize--we have just stepped into FRIDAY FAMILY FUN NIGHT AT CHIC-FIL-A.
We place our order sit down to eat, and we watched this balloon guy make some of the funkiest balloon hats. They were soo cool!! There was a boys soccer baseball team that came in to just get the free ice cream. The balloon guy made a hat that was the craziest thing. It was a circle for his head, and then a ton of balloons just coming off it. It was about 8 feet in diameter when he was done. Oh, and get this--the balloons were free.
While we waited for the balloon guy to make it to our table, we enjoyed a free scoop of ice cream with our choice of toppings. The kids really enjoyed this (I even did!)
The balloon guy finally makes it to our table. Beau was so cute. He not once asked to go slide--he was having too much fun watching the balloons. He was sitting in his chair with his little elbows on the table and his face in his hands being so patient. I told the girls to ask for something funky (because this guy had a very creative mind for balloon art).
Aubrey asked for a "Funky Hat"
So if you ever need a place to go on a Friday night that the kids will love and it won't break the bank....go to FRIDAY FAMILY FUN NIGHT @ CHIC-FIL-A.
P.S. Next time we go, I will be sure to have some cash so I can tip the guy--he was amazing and great with the kids!!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Pick Up Wars
So for those of you moms out there who drive your cars to your childs school may understand the frustration of this story.
First of all, I know that we only live 1 block from the girls school, and I could walk to pick them up and avoid this whole insanity, but now it has become a point to be made. Plus, I get my workout every morning at the gym along with keeping with Beau all day...right!!
So it has become a "thing" at Short for us "pick up moms" to try and get the best parking spot. First grade gets out at one end of the building, so I try and park as close to that door as possible (so that my lazy self doesn't have to get out of the car). So of course it make sense to park near Anna's door. Well, this is not an easy task. Apparently there are other moms who would like to do the same thing. So we have all fought to get this perfect place to park. Well, I have figured out that if I get there about 10 minutes early, I get the spot I want. Well now a few of the other opponent vehicles have recently decided to the same thing. About 2 weeks ago I pulled up behind a car to park. Well, I guess her mirror didn't work because a child got in the car, and then all of the sudden she is backing up and bumps my bumper! Oh I was livid!! She gets out and looks at me like with a dazed look at me as if I just appeared from no where. No damage was done--but under my breath I was not saying things that should be repeated but I smiled at her and said--"It is ok". It is a zoo in that drive thru I am telling you! It is like a "fend for yourself" attitude. Well, yesterday I pull into my spot. There is this big tan Tundra truck that usually can take up the whole drive because the Tundra lady doesn't park straight. She pulls in right behind me. Well--the car to my left had pulled out so I was going to pull into that spot so that I could leave. Wouldn't you know that the Tundra truck pulled into that spot before I could--and CROOKED!!
I was stuck.
I could not back up and going forward was not going to get me anywhere but the rear end of the blue Explorer. (I like the blue Explorer--she is always there first and is just so sweet, but her kids take a long time to get to the car) So that Tundra pulls up just ever so, and I was able to back up far enough to get around that Tundra. Wouldn't you know AGAIN, as I am drivng around the Tundra, she begins going reverse and comes inches from hitting my passengar side. Oh this Tundra truck lady is really testing me!! She stops after I honk my horn--and of course somehow I am looked at like I am the idiot.
I know that Tundra lady knows she is pushing my buttons--but I will win. (The whole killing her with kindness is not my kind of style)
So I will keep you all posted on the bizarre tales of my pick up wars.
First of all, I know that we only live 1 block from the girls school, and I could walk to pick them up and avoid this whole insanity, but now it has become a point to be made. Plus, I get my workout every morning at the gym along with keeping with Beau all day...right!!
So it has become a "thing" at Short for us "pick up moms" to try and get the best parking spot. First grade gets out at one end of the building, so I try and park as close to that door as possible (so that my lazy self doesn't have to get out of the car). So of course it make sense to park near Anna's door. Well, this is not an easy task. Apparently there are other moms who would like to do the same thing. So we have all fought to get this perfect place to park. Well, I have figured out that if I get there about 10 minutes early, I get the spot I want. Well now a few of the other opponent vehicles have recently decided to the same thing. About 2 weeks ago I pulled up behind a car to park. Well, I guess her mirror didn't work because a child got in the car, and then all of the sudden she is backing up and bumps my bumper! Oh I was livid!! She gets out and looks at me like with a dazed look at me as if I just appeared from no where. No damage was done--but under my breath I was not saying things that should be repeated but I smiled at her and said--"It is ok". It is a zoo in that drive thru I am telling you! It is like a "fend for yourself" attitude. Well, yesterday I pull into my spot. There is this big tan Tundra truck that usually can take up the whole drive because the Tundra lady doesn't park straight. She pulls in right behind me. Well--the car to my left had pulled out so I was going to pull into that spot so that I could leave. Wouldn't you know that the Tundra truck pulled into that spot before I could--and CROOKED!!
I was stuck.
I could not back up and going forward was not going to get me anywhere but the rear end of the blue Explorer. (I like the blue Explorer--she is always there first and is just so sweet, but her kids take a long time to get to the car) So that Tundra pulls up just ever so, and I was able to back up far enough to get around that Tundra. Wouldn't you know AGAIN, as I am drivng around the Tundra, she begins going reverse and comes inches from hitting my passengar side. Oh this Tundra truck lady is really testing me!! She stops after I honk my horn--and of course somehow I am looked at like I am the idiot.
I know that Tundra lady knows she is pushing my buttons--but I will win. (The whole killing her with kindness is not my kind of style)
So I will keep you all posted on the bizarre tales of my pick up wars.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
A good day for a long ZZZZZZZZZZ
So I started this morning off with a bang!! Steve got us a membership at the Y, which I am really excited about! So I got up this morning took the girls to school and went to the gym for a morning workout. It was great. I felt so energized. I came home and got some laundry done. Washed my sheets, dried them, and had them back on my bed before noon. This is a big improvement for me. I HATE doing laundry. Kendra inspired me last night to fold my laundry. I tried to be the bad influence and tell her not to worry about her pile of laundry to fold (because I had several piles to fold sitting on my bed), but she insisted that it must be done. So we said our good byes and I tried to relax on the couch and catch up on some recorded shows. Grr--I kept thinking about my darn laundry. So I brought it in the den and folded and watched my shows. Thanks Kendra!!! I think I slept better actually!
So with all this energy last night and today--the clouds have rolled in pretty heavy and all of the sudden, I have hit a major A.D.P. (afternoon down period) I can't seem to keep my eyes open. I am really looking forward to going to bed tonight for sure!! As soon as I get ready for bed though--I will be wide awake.
So enjoy a good nap today--it is just the kind of day to get some zzzzzzzzz!
So with all this energy last night and today--the clouds have rolled in pretty heavy and all of the sudden, I have hit a major A.D.P. (afternoon down period) I can't seem to keep my eyes open. I am really looking forward to going to bed tonight for sure!! As soon as I get ready for bed though--I will be wide awake.
So enjoy a good nap today--it is just the kind of day to get some zzzzzzzzz!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Anna Banana
Keep Anna in your prayers!!!!
Back when Anna was 18 months old, she broke 3 of her metacarpal bones in her right foot. It was at that point we realized her hips were crooked. She sees an orthopedic yearly to just keep an eye on her hips along with slight curve of the spine. Back in January her pediatrician noticed her curve. It has increased some. She has a mild scoliosis curve. She has been experiencing some chronic pain in her back for the past couple of weeks which Dr. D said was not normal for a child to complain of back pain on a daily basis. With the weather so nice lately, as soon as the girls come home from school they run to the backyard and play until dinner. I can pretty much pinpoint that this is when the pain has started, when the outside activity increased. With Anna, this is climbing trees, swinging through the bars, and jumping on the trampoline. These are all normal activities for a child, so there is a concern as to why this is hurting her.
We have an appointment with the ortho in a couple of weeks. From there we will know what route we are going to take. Whether she needs another CT or a MRI. She will be starting physical therapy as well in hopes that the exercises help the pain. She had an MRI 2 years ago that came back good. So we are hoping for the same again.
Until then, her activities are limited for now. The good Dr. D said no trampoline until we know what is going on. She has to be a little more careful in how she plays too for now. We have always called her our monkey--so I hope we can find the fix so she can be back to better in no time!!
Beau's 1st Shiner
Beau got his 1st black eye yesterday. We had some friends over and he was showing off by running around and around in circles. Before we could get it out of our mouths, he fell and hit the corner of the ottoman. The sound was horrible. Oh he cried and cried. He was lucky!! Just an inch higher and he could have done serious damage to his eye. This is how he looked this morning.
Beau has not had much good luck the past few days. Friday I caught him jumping on my bed and when I told him to stop, he fell off the bed hed first. Later that day he was outside with the girls and rode his motorcycle right off the porch wall (he landed in the grass and got up saying "I Ok". Yesterday at lunch we were eating and he would not sit still in his chair. Just as I was about to let him know to sit still or he was going to fall...boom he fell on the floor hiney first. Poor guy he is having a hard time!!!
I am sure this is just the first of many many many boo boos!!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Great Billboard
I saw a neat saying on a billboard last night:
I thought that was a neat saying.
I want to give a side note to yesterday's "book" post. I am sorry it was so long. I have been wanting to put that out there, and I finally had the time to write the book, LOL. When reading it, I hope you don't think I am playing the victim, because I am not!! I just want to tell the story to show what miracles God does. To show how God lifts us up. To show how ANYONE can conquer the world with God in your life.
Ok, I'm done!! I hope you have a wonderful day--and don't get blown away from the wind!!!!
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of your future
I thought that was a neat saying.
I want to give a side note to yesterday's "book" post. I am sorry it was so long. I have been wanting to put that out there, and I finally had the time to write the book, LOL. When reading it, I hope you don't think I am playing the victim, because I am not!! I just want to tell the story to show what miracles God does. To show how God lifts us up. To show how ANYONE can conquer the world with God in your life.
Ok, I'm done!! I hope you have a wonderful day--and don't get blown away from the wind!!!!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
What have you learned??
So I got to thinking, life throws us lots of lemons. We make the choice to either sit and be sour about it, or we can make lemonade!!
I began my entry blog with a little info about me--I would like to take this time to tell you the end of that story, and what I learned. I would love to hear from my crazy readers what you have learned (not from my experience, but your own). I believe it is hugely important that we share our stories of how we have learned through our own life experiences. Whether big or small, you never know who you will touch one day. So I hope as you read the below story that you see the work of God. Do not be judgemental on our life. I have walked that road, and that is one thing you will always know about Steve and I--we are not to judge. We are what we are and we are proud of what we have become.
So I left off with when Steve and I got married. I won't go into great detail about the day to day marriage trials. We have all been there. We had our first baby girl in June of 98-Aubrey, our second girl in January of 01-Anna. It was shortly after Anna was born that our lives began to change, but I had no idea! Steve was a Senior Builder for a home buyer construction company. He was doing very well in his job and financially we were set. We had the perfect family life, or so I thought. We had our trials of course, again what couple doesn't! We would have our fights, and like any one who is mad, things are said in the heat of the moment, but then all is well again. Shortly after Anna had turned 2 Steve told me he was not happy--he was bored. So what did this mean?? What was I suppose to do? How was I suppose to take care of my kids, the house, the day to day needs and entertain him? I blew it off. I thought it was just something said in the heat of the moment. On May 3 of 2003, he informed me that he was leaving me. He couldn't do it anymore. This life was not exciting for him. I fought like hell to keep him home. He "gave" me a month. He told me we could work on our marriage. He told me he had a drinking problem and that he needed rehab. So on June 3, 2003, I helped him pack his bags to go to rehab. I figured all of our problems were going to be fixed. We had just hit a big bump in the road..... That bump kept getting bigger and bigger. I began finding out things that no wife wants to find out about her husband. He had met someone else. He moved in with her and through some hard, dark, bumpy months, I finally made a decision...on Dec 16, 2003 Steve was served with divorce papers.
To go back just a little, I had gone through such an emotional roller coaster. After Steve had left, I had hope that things were going to be OK, but when I got deeper into the matters, I fell into a deep depression. There were days I could not function. Thank God I had my parents here. They helped me take care of the kids, and myself. Those were really dark days. You hear stories about depression, and the inability to function during that time. I had not fully understood all of this until I found myself there. The days seemed to be forever, and the nights seemed even longer. I was so alone, but I didn't want anyone to be around me. I struggled to pull myself together for the girls. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight. I couldn't eat. Just the thought of food made me sick. I had a ton of friends to support me--but the problem was this (or so I felt)..they were there for me to talk to, to "vent" on, but then they were gone. They got to hang up the phone and continue living their perfect life. My life was at a stand still while everyone else in the world was still moving. It was a very bizarre feeling.
I am not sure what opened my eyes, but one day I finally realized that I was worth more than this. I pulled myself together and began planning a life for me and my girls. I found a job and started working in Oct of 03. It was hard to go back to work being out of the workforce for so long, yet it was good for me. It got me back into the world. I was heading to a better and brighter future. I really began focusing on how I could make things better for my girls. I had a friend tell me once that I wanted to show my girls one day that I respected myself enough to not be the second best in Steve's life. I took that to heart. From that moment on, everything I did was for them. I wanted them to know 10 years down the line that their mommy cared enough about her self and them to make a better life. Things were not getting any better with Steve. He was adamant about getting a divorce. This was the route he wanted--period. So I found a great lawyer. He was willing to fight for what I wanted, and I did it. I paid my $2000 retainer fee and filed the papers. I was not planning on Steve being served on our anniversary, but he was. Steve was floored. He was mad. He was upset. He was confused. I thought this was what he wanted. He had been telling me for 6 months this was what he wanted, so I got the ball rollin on it. At this point, I was done. I was determined to never go to that dark place again. I had walls so thick around me a huge boulder could not knock them down. I was firm with Steve that this was what I wanted now. The tables had turned. The divorce could have been final within 60 days, so my lawyer had said, but Steve was constantly having things changed in the papers, which would cause more time, and more money. On May 3 of 04 (1 full year after he told me that he was leaving) the papers were ready for him to sign. It was done. He wouldn't sign. I was mad. I was tired. I wanted this to be over. I had put so much of my emotional time into this--couldn't we just let it be done? I had begged him to sign the papers. He finally signed. A few days later I remember he called me one night and wanted me to listen to a song. Lonestar had a new song "Let's Be Us Again". If you haven't heard this song--it is amazing. God was working on me. My heartstrings were being pulled back to Steve. I was finding this to be so confusing because I had worked so hard to get him out of my heart. I figured that life had to be better--but this song said it all.
I began my entry blog with a little info about me--I would like to take this time to tell you the end of that story, and what I learned. I would love to hear from my crazy readers what you have learned (not from my experience, but your own). I believe it is hugely important that we share our stories of how we have learned through our own life experiences. Whether big or small, you never know who you will touch one day. So I hope as you read the below story that you see the work of God. Do not be judgemental on our life. I have walked that road, and that is one thing you will always know about Steve and I--we are not to judge. We are what we are and we are proud of what we have become.
So I left off with when Steve and I got married. I won't go into great detail about the day to day marriage trials. We have all been there. We had our first baby girl in June of 98-Aubrey, our second girl in January of 01-Anna. It was shortly after Anna was born that our lives began to change, but I had no idea! Steve was a Senior Builder for a home buyer construction company. He was doing very well in his job and financially we were set. We had the perfect family life, or so I thought. We had our trials of course, again what couple doesn't! We would have our fights, and like any one who is mad, things are said in the heat of the moment, but then all is well again. Shortly after Anna had turned 2 Steve told me he was not happy--he was bored. So what did this mean?? What was I suppose to do? How was I suppose to take care of my kids, the house, the day to day needs and entertain him? I blew it off. I thought it was just something said in the heat of the moment. On May 3 of 2003, he informed me that he was leaving me. He couldn't do it anymore. This life was not exciting for him. I fought like hell to keep him home. He "gave" me a month. He told me we could work on our marriage. He told me he had a drinking problem and that he needed rehab. So on June 3, 2003, I helped him pack his bags to go to rehab. I figured all of our problems were going to be fixed. We had just hit a big bump in the road..... That bump kept getting bigger and bigger. I began finding out things that no wife wants to find out about her husband. He had met someone else. He moved in with her and through some hard, dark, bumpy months, I finally made a decision...on Dec 16, 2003 Steve was served with divorce papers.
To go back just a little, I had gone through such an emotional roller coaster. After Steve had left, I had hope that things were going to be OK, but when I got deeper into the matters, I fell into a deep depression. There were days I could not function. Thank God I had my parents here. They helped me take care of the kids, and myself. Those were really dark days. You hear stories about depression, and the inability to function during that time. I had not fully understood all of this until I found myself there. The days seemed to be forever, and the nights seemed even longer. I was so alone, but I didn't want anyone to be around me. I struggled to pull myself together for the girls. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight. I couldn't eat. Just the thought of food made me sick. I had a ton of friends to support me--but the problem was this (or so I felt)..they were there for me to talk to, to "vent" on, but then they were gone. They got to hang up the phone and continue living their perfect life. My life was at a stand still while everyone else in the world was still moving. It was a very bizarre feeling.
I am not sure what opened my eyes, but one day I finally realized that I was worth more than this. I pulled myself together and began planning a life for me and my girls. I found a job and started working in Oct of 03. It was hard to go back to work being out of the workforce for so long, yet it was good for me. It got me back into the world. I was heading to a better and brighter future. I really began focusing on how I could make things better for my girls. I had a friend tell me once that I wanted to show my girls one day that I respected myself enough to not be the second best in Steve's life. I took that to heart. From that moment on, everything I did was for them. I wanted them to know 10 years down the line that their mommy cared enough about her self and them to make a better life. Things were not getting any better with Steve. He was adamant about getting a divorce. This was the route he wanted--period. So I found a great lawyer. He was willing to fight for what I wanted, and I did it. I paid my $2000 retainer fee and filed the papers. I was not planning on Steve being served on our anniversary, but he was. Steve was floored. He was mad. He was upset. He was confused. I thought this was what he wanted. He had been telling me for 6 months this was what he wanted, so I got the ball rollin on it. At this point, I was done. I was determined to never go to that dark place again. I had walls so thick around me a huge boulder could not knock them down. I was firm with Steve that this was what I wanted now. The tables had turned. The divorce could have been final within 60 days, so my lawyer had said, but Steve was constantly having things changed in the papers, which would cause more time, and more money. On May 3 of 04 (1 full year after he told me that he was leaving) the papers were ready for him to sign. It was done. He wouldn't sign. I was mad. I was tired. I wanted this to be over. I had put so much of my emotional time into this--couldn't we just let it be done? I had begged him to sign the papers. He finally signed. A few days later I remember he called me one night and wanted me to listen to a song. Lonestar had a new song "Let's Be Us Again". If you haven't heard this song--it is amazing. God was working on me. My heartstrings were being pulled back to Steve. I was finding this to be so confusing because I had worked so hard to get him out of my heart. I figured that life had to be better--but this song said it all.
Let's be Us again by Lonestar
Tell me what I have to do tonight, cause I'd do anything to make it right
Let's be us again
Sorry for the way I lost my head, I don't know why I said the things I said
Let's be us again
Here I stand with everything to loose and all I know is I don't want to ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you, won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again
Look at me I'm way past pride, isn't there some way that we can try
To be us again
Even if it takes a while, I'll wait right here until I see that smile
That says we're us again
Here I stand with everything to loose and all I know is I don't want to ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you, won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you, won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us
This song got deep into my inner soul. I had it pushed it way down deep of the thought of my family being whole again. I was not sure if I could handle bringing it back to surface. I had come so far, but how could I turn my back on the one man who truly ever held my heart? About a week later my lawyer called me and said that the papers were ready to sign, and I hesitated. I asked if we could put this off for a couple of weeks. I called Steve the next day and told him I missed him. It all started from there. We worked things out and he moved back home. We had some really hard times during that year. I had trust issues, big time!! Through all of that Steve stood back and let me go through the motions of dealing with what he had done. He allowed me to heal. I remember begging him at times to just please leave again--it was too hard. He never would. Like the song says "Even if it takes a while, I'll wait right here until I see the smile". Bless his heart, I put him through the ringer.
You see, God taught me a huge lesson that year Steve left. I learned who I was. I was a lot stronger than I had imagined, I became independent, I was a great mom, I had a great job. I learned how to deal with life. I didn't always make the right choices during that year. I was mad at God for a while. I rebelled against Him. I couldn't understand how He could let this happen to my family. You learn a lot about life when you feel the pain so deep inside that you feel that your bones are going to crack. I learned how to protect myself, I even learned how to depend on God. Little did I know, God had been working on Steve. Steve never had the intentions of divorcing me (or so he says). He has told me that the best thing I could have done was served him the papers. He said he woke up that day. He saw what he was loosing and what he so quickly threw away. God had to work on my heart to soften it enough to hear Steve again. The wall I worked so hard building, God work even harder to chisel it away. He was not done with Steve and Holly yet....
So on June 6, 2005 I found out that I was pregnant. We had conceived on May 3, 2005. (Have you seen a pattern with May 3? I am not making up that date, and when I started looking back, I found it odd that so many momentous things happened on that date in 2 years) On January 17, 2006 we were blessed with a baby boy-Beau.
Isn't it funny how God works? What a sense of humor He has. Not only had we gone through Hell and back, but He gives us a child as well. I had to learn to really depend on God through that time of my pregnancy. Steve had been home a year, but I still had inner issues in my head (that I know are gone, but every once in a while a lurking feeling tries to pop hits ugly head out--and I don't allow myself to invest any action to it).
Steve and I don't have that "perfect" marriage. We fight, but we do always make up. There are still days that I could strangle him, but I love him even more. We vowed that we would never be quiet about our story in hopes to let someone else know "we know". I wish I had someone during that time just to say "I know what you are going through" or for someone to shed the tears with me because they truly knew the pain I was feeling. For several months, I have had this thought that I think more and more women should be encouraged to fight for their marriage. Divorce is not a biblical event. I was at a point that financially I had to file for the divorce. I needed that help from him, and had to do it legally. I fought for a long time for us, and even though it may sound like I gave up--I never did. He was always my true love. Steve would tell me that there was someone better for me out there. I deserved better. He was probably right. There is probably someone better out there, but they aren't the one God picked for me. I want to encourage all women out there to fight for your marriage. Tell your husbands you love them. They are not as tough as we think they are. They need that attention more than we know, but they don't want to have to ask for it.
So I go back to my original question---Have you shared what you have learned in life?
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