What have you learned??

So I got to thinking, life throws us lots of lemons. We make the choice to either sit and be sour about it, or we can make lemonade!!

I began my entry blog with a little info about me--I would like to take this time to tell you the end of that story, and what I learned. I would love to hear from my crazy readers what you have learned (not from my experience, but your own). I believe it is hugely important that we share our stories of how we have learned through our own life experiences. Whether big or small, you never know who you will touch one day. So I hope as you read the below story that you see the work of God. Do not be judgemental on our life. I have walked that road, and that is one thing you will always know about Steve and I--we are not to judge. We are what we are and we are proud of what we have become.

So I left off with when Steve and I got married. I won't go into great detail about the day to day marriage trials. We have all been there. We had our first baby girl in June of 98-Aubrey, our second girl in January of 01-Anna. It was shortly after Anna was born that our lives began to change, but I had no idea! Steve was a Senior Builder for a home buyer construction company. He was doing very well in his job and financially we were set. We had the perfect family life, or so I thought. We had our trials of course, again what couple doesn't! We would have our fights, and like any one who is mad, things are said in the heat of the moment, but then all is well again. Shortly after Anna had turned 2 Steve told me he was not happy--he was bored. So what did this mean?? What was I suppose to do? How was I suppose to take care of my kids, the house, the day to day needs and entertain him? I blew it off. I thought it was just something said in the heat of the moment. On May 3 of 2003, he informed me that he was leaving me. He couldn't do it anymore. This life was not exciting for him. I fought like hell to keep him home. He "gave" me a month. He told me we could work on our marriage. He told me he had a drinking problem and that he needed rehab. So on June 3, 2003, I helped him pack his bags to go to rehab. I figured all of our problems were going to be fixed. We had just hit a big bump in the road..... That bump kept getting bigger and bigger. I began finding out things that no wife wants to find out about her husband. He had met someone else. He moved in with her and through some hard, dark, bumpy months, I finally made a decision...on Dec 16, 2003 Steve was served with divorce papers.
To go back just a little, I had gone through such an emotional roller coaster. After Steve had left, I had hope that things were going to be OK, but when I got deeper into the matters, I fell into a deep depression. There were days I could not function. Thank God I had my parents here. They helped me take care of the kids, and myself. Those were really dark days. You hear stories about depression, and the inability to function during that time. I had not fully understood all of this until I found myself there. The days seemed to be forever, and the nights seemed even longer. I was so alone, but I didn't want anyone to be around me. I struggled to pull myself together for the girls. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight. I couldn't eat. Just the thought of food made me sick. I had a ton of friends to support me--but the problem was this (or so I felt)..they were there for me to talk to, to "vent" on, but then they were gone. They got to hang up the phone and continue living their perfect life. My life was at a stand still while everyone else in the world was still moving. It was a very bizarre feeling.
I am not sure what opened my eyes, but one day I finally realized that I was worth more than this. I pulled myself together and began planning a life for me and my girls. I found a job and started working in Oct of 03. It was hard to go back to work being out of the workforce for so long, yet it was good for me. It got me back into the world. I was heading to a better and brighter future. I really began focusing on how I could make things better for my girls. I had a friend tell me once that I wanted to show my girls one day that I respected myself enough to not be the second best in Steve's life. I took that to heart. From that moment on, everything I did was for them. I wanted them to know 10 years down the line that their mommy cared enough about her self and them to make a better life. Things were not getting any better with Steve. He was adamant about getting a divorce. This was the route he wanted--period. So I found a great lawyer. He was willing to fight for what I wanted, and I did it. I paid my $2000 retainer fee and filed the papers. I was not planning on Steve being served on our anniversary, but he was. Steve was floored. He was mad. He was upset. He was confused. I thought this was what he wanted. He had been telling me for 6 months this was what he wanted, so I got the ball rollin on it. At this point, I was done. I was determined to never go to that dark place again. I had walls so thick around me a huge boulder could not knock them down. I was firm with Steve that this was what I wanted now. The tables had turned. The divorce could have been final within 60 days, so my lawyer had said, but Steve was constantly having things changed in the papers, which would cause more time, and more money. On May 3 of 04 (1 full year after he told me that he was leaving) the papers were ready for him to sign. It was done. He wouldn't sign. I was mad. I was tired. I wanted this to be over. I had put so much of my emotional time into this--couldn't we just let it be done? I had begged him to sign the papers. He finally signed. A few days later I remember he called me one night and wanted me to listen to a song. Lonestar had a new song "Let's Be Us Again". If you haven't heard this song--it is amazing. God was working on me. My heartstrings were being pulled back to Steve. I was finding this to be so confusing because I had worked so hard to get him out of my heart. I figured that life had to be better--but this song said it all.

Let's be Us again by Lonestar

Tell me what I have to do tonight, cause I'd do anything to make it right

Let's be us again

Sorry for the way I lost my head, I don't know why I said the things I said

Let's be us again

Here I stand with everything to loose and all I know is I don't want to ever see the end

Baby please, I'm reaching out for you, won't you open up your heart and let me come back in

Let's be us again

Look at me I'm way past pride, isn't there some way that we can try

To be us again

Even if it takes a while, I'll wait right here until I see that smile

That says we're us again

Here I stand with everything to loose and all I know is I don't want to ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you, won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us

This song got deep into my inner soul. I had it pushed it way down deep of the thought of my family being whole again. I was not sure if I could handle bringing it back to surface. I had come so far, but how could I turn my back on the one man who truly ever held my heart? About a week later my lawyer called me and said that the papers were ready to sign, and I hesitated. I asked if we could put this off for a couple of weeks. I called Steve the next day and told him I missed him. It all started from there. We worked things out and he moved back home. We had some really hard times during that year. I had trust issues, big time!! Through all of that Steve stood back and let me go through the motions of dealing with what he had done. He allowed me to heal. I remember begging him at times to just please leave again--it was too hard. He never would. Like the song says "Even if it takes a while, I'll wait right here until I see the smile". Bless his heart, I put him through the ringer.

You see, God taught me a huge lesson that year Steve left. I learned who I was. I was a lot stronger than I had imagined, I became independent, I was a great mom, I had a great job. I learned how to deal with life. I didn't always make the right choices during that year. I was mad at God for a while. I rebelled against Him. I couldn't understand how He could let this happen to my family. You learn a lot about life when you feel the pain so deep inside that you feel that your bones are going to crack. I learned how to protect myself, I even learned how to depend on God. Little did I know, God had been working on Steve. Steve never had the intentions of divorcing me (or so he says). He has told me that the best thing I could have done was served him the papers. He said he woke up that day. He saw what he was loosing and what he so quickly threw away. God had to work on my heart to soften it enough to hear Steve again. The wall I worked so hard building, God work even harder to chisel it away. He was not done with Steve and Holly yet....

So on June 6, 2005 I found out that I was pregnant. We had conceived on May 3, 2005. (Have you seen a pattern with May 3? I am not making up that date, and when I started looking back, I found it odd that so many momentous things happened on that date in 2 years) On January 17, 2006 we were blessed with a baby boy-Beau.

Isn't it funny how God works? What a sense of humor He has. Not only had we gone through Hell and back, but He gives us a child as well. I had to learn to really depend on God through that time of my pregnancy. Steve had been home a year, but I still had inner issues in my head (that I know are gone, but every once in a while a lurking feeling tries to pop hits ugly head out--and I don't allow myself to invest any action to it).

Steve and I don't have that "perfect" marriage. We fight, but we do always make up. There are still days that I could strangle him, but I love him even more. We vowed that we would never be quiet about our story in hopes to let someone else know "we know". I wish I had someone during that time just to say "I know what you are going through" or for someone to shed the tears with me because they truly knew the pain I was feeling. For several months, I have had this thought that I think more and more women should be encouraged to fight for their marriage. Divorce is not a biblical event. I was at a point that financially I had to file for the divorce. I needed that help from him, and had to do it legally. I fought for a long time for us, and even though it may sound like I gave up--I never did. He was always my true love. Steve would tell me that there was someone better for me out there. I deserved better. He was probably right. There is probably someone better out there, but they aren't the one God picked for me. I want to encourage all women out there to fight for your marriage. Tell your husbands you love them. They are not as tough as we think they are. They need that attention more than we know, but they don't want to have to ask for it.

So I go back to my original question---Have you shared what you have learned in life?